Now is...

Today is one of those days AGAIN that I'm feeling so frustrated about how things are going for both our businesses and our family. It's not going the way I've been expecting it to be. And there are things that I've delegated to people, expecting them to finish it at a particular time, only to find out that it hasn't been even started. I know I need some quiet time. But when you're at the stage that you're building a business and building a career for your future, time is just not enough and you have no luxury to even rest. I am overwhelmed by work and house chores. It has been a few days, and yet I feel so burned out. Its probably my lack of sleep or the changes in my timezone. Is it possible to have a jetlag when you haven't even gone out of the country? I wonder.

I need rest.

I know I need some time out. As I write this, I'm imagining myself at a park, with lots of trees and plants and fresh air, doing nothing. Probably some meditating, reading the Scripture, having my one-on-one talk with God. How I would love to do just that.

I have a few projects up my sleeve now, one major is for my Manila Assistants business. I'm also waiting for another full time work by a property management client. If everything pulls through, I will be so busy, I may not even have time to blog. I'm procrastinating right now.

The hubby is feeling what I'm feeling too. So sad.

This too shall pass.

I declare it, in Jesus' name.

Waiting time

Today's one of those days when I feel so down for so many different reasons. Or it's probably just the hormones acting up. I don't exactly know.

The hubby is today's victim, sadly. As with any other time that I've acted the same way, it's almost always the husband who takes the punch. I'm assuming its because my recent issues have somehow been connected with what happened with us last year. All's been well for many months now, and I've seen how the hubby tries his best to win me over...and over...and over. It's the little reminders that gets to me though. Bits and pieces of anything that would let me remember how it was during that time. What I felt, and how he must've felt. It still makes me cry thinking about it.

It was a roller coaster of emotions, what happened to me. And I can feel remnants of it until now.

Recently, I've been trying to revive an old job, my being a VA. Taking it all in, training myself through videos, ebooks, just about anything. I want to keep myself busy. If that's what it takes to make me forget.

This is my "idle season". And until things get busy again, I would want to wait patiently. I want to spend my days with worship and scripture.

1 Samuel 13:8-14

He waited seven days, the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and Saul's men began to scatter.  So he said, "Bring me the burnt offering and the fellowship offerings. " And Saul offered up the burnt offering.  Just as he finished making the offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him.  "What have you done?" asked Samuel. Saul replied, "When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash,  I thought, 'Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD's favor.' So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering."  "You acted foolishly," Samuel said. "You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time.  But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command."

I pray Lord that I will have more patience. Patience to wait for Your promises. Help me to always remember that Your Word is always constant and will never change. Thank You for Your blessings. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen. 



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Overwhelmed and anxious

Overwhelmed 

 - bury or drown beneath a huge mass

Anxious

 - experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

These are 2 words which I definitely have been feeling the past months. Mostly, because of how the hubby and I can provide for our family. Yes, we are blessed and we have enough. We eat 3-5 (or maybe even 6!) times a day. We have enough to come to church every Sunday, and sometimes even have enough to have lunch out. So what exactly am I bugged about? Well, here's my list:

Our mountain pile of bills, all named after ME! 

Our 3 kids' future (school, needs, etc.)

Our travel plans (and date plans for hubby and I

No, I don't ask for much. And sometimes I even say, I don't want much. Why? Because I feel that I am not responsible enough for bigger things. I want to be, don't think otherwise, but I want to prepare myself before I am given much. (In the past, I feel that when I am given small or big things, I can honestly say, I have not been faithful to see it all through for what they are given for. So when that day comes that I am able to handle money and resources well, then I will definitely ask for more from Him, who is my ultimate source. 

The hubby and I recently started a small business (JuiceLuvPH), and when at first it seemed all promising, the past weeks have not been kind to us. So we're back to square one. I don't want to feel too depressed since as I have said, we are not THAT unfortunate. When I really think about it, I am still TOO BLESSED to be stressed (Yes, yes, I intended to write that). 

So what now? An opportunity knocks at our door. Another VA stint (in case you didn't know, I was a VA.. for about 8 years) that would need my nights. It's not much, won't pay much, but it may as well ease my anxiety and that feeling of being overwhelmed. It would definitely pay some of the bills and we may save up for a bit of the kids' future. Most of all, I can now be faithful to my tithing again. 

I'm also still looking for other opportunities, small ones, so I can pass it on to my freelance "partner". I've recently activated my sleeping Fiverr account for those small stints. 

I have so many ideas, that I want to pursue and accomplish. That's how this mind works. If I can only jot them down every time, I know I have that eureka moment or moments!

Amidst all the anxiety and overwhelmed-ness, here are some bible verses that may as well help me and YOU dear reader, whatever your situation is, or wherever you may be :

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Luke 12:24-34

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?  "Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!  And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.  For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.  But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.  "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.  Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

and this...

Luke 12:48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

I hope this post helped anyone, whether it may be spiritual, emotional or even just for entertainment. 

God bless you! Jesus loves you!

Remembering and praying

Currently reading Chicken Soup for the Couples' Soul, and yes I remembered what my husband and I have gone through for the past 13 years. We had painful memories, that only God can heal, but we had so much love for each other that it was evident in our whole relationship, that serving each other was one of our priorities. Whether it may be a big, bold act or a teeny tiny one that only true love can notice. 

I miss the hubby. He's out for an employment requirement. This morning, I told him to pray for things like these. For decisions, especially big ones, we he has to make. As this will definitely affect, good or bad, our life, both ours and and our family. I have asked God for guidance, but ultimately, its His will we ought to follow. 

Road to Happiness Part One

Dear you,

The past months hasn't been easy. It still isn't. But I cling on to the promise of a better future. I have high hopes now. And though I am unwell, I fight fiercely, all for my love for you. Truly sorry that if I sometimes feel I need to know answers. You have kept me hanging. The one thing I so dearly held onto, you took it away. I want to get it back; the confidence of your love for me. Most people think, even you, that this is self pity. Maybe so. But it's not all. This goes far deeper than I wanted it, and imagined it to be. I get nightmares that I wouldn't want to sleep at all. I cry during the day, that I push myself to the limit, so as not to think too much. I am lost. Lost in an abyss of emotions.

How I wish we could talk. How I wish we could sort things out. How I wish it won't be too late. How I wish we won't have regrets. Please don't push me away.

My old self would've just agreed with you when you wanted out. But I'm not the old me anymore. I would've prayed just for myself, but now I'm praying for what's best for both of us.

Take me out of this rut. I beg you.

I need you. With me. Please don't push me away.
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Now thinking a bit clearer, I realize I can't control you. I can't control how you feel, how you act, what you say and what you do. I can only hope. I can only pray. I wish I knew things. I wish I had answers. But I have to let go. I have to. For my sanity. For you.

I miss my old self. I miss the smiles. I miss how I used to be that girl who had hopes, dreams and sure of herself and her bright future. I don't see her in the mirror anymore. I keep looking but I can't see her. I don't recognize that wrinkled woman I see in my reflection.

I need to heal.

I need you, but I need to heal.


I love you,
Me

Day with Mommy

Yesterday was fun. My mom, lola and tita came over to visit. (Yay!) And after WEEKS of hardcore stress, I have finally had my "day-off" yesterday (I am doing the laundry while I write this, literally!) when my mom and I went to the mall, to just, you know, go around and shop and window-shop. It was a simple outing, yet a meaningful sharing of thoughts, ideas and experiences between me and my mom. Overall, the feeling was refreshing and to a point, invigorating. Thank you Mom for the time you spent with me yesterday. Needed that.

Food + Shopping + Mom = PERFECT DAY-OFF

Job. Quit. Job.

Last week was pretty challenging for me. I almost quit. My job, that is.

It has been an ongoing battle for me. I have a very moody boss, who, if I choose to understand, is the way he is because of his responsibilities. It should not be the case, but that's the way it is. It was a fight or flight.

There was one instance where he was giving me feedback and using such harsh words. No, he didn't use curse words but he might as well have. I was working very hard. Even after hours (which I realize now that I shouldn't be doing - another post on work ethics and personal space). But after I heard his feedback, it was like all my work went down the drain. I was frustrated, disappointed and disheartened. Then finally I decided. I messaged my boss and told him that I'd quit. Thanking him for the opportunity yada yada yada. All these, while crying.

First he said okay, then probably changed his mind and said that he still encourages me to stay. In a way, he apologized. And gave me time to think.

I thought about it and weighed my options. I had other available work waiting for me, but you see, its very hard for me to "move on" when I've finally made my way through a job. So after all the debate with myself, I chose to stay. I'm still hoping that this is the better choice.

Praying, by the way, is a constant during these times. This is my ultimate shield. Against everything else, including myself. Thank You God!