Life hits

It has been more than a year since I last blogged. And if you have been following my posts, you would know that this means I have too much time on my hands and on one of my melancholic highs. Yes, I think I am depressed.

Early last year, hubby and I started a mushroom business. Fast forward to this year, we are one of the most looked-up-to growers here in the Philippines. A mix of marketing strategy, research, experience and just plain common sense :)

I have been feeling low for the past months, after so many bashings from internet detractors. And in the past few weeks, yet another issue has surfaced. I know I asked for time to stay at home and just do our household chores. Now that I was given that, my husband now has too many things on his plate and has not been spending time with me either. This has posed as a problem. If you must know, I require attention. Attention for me is a love language. If I am not given enough time, I bite. This is also not the first time this has happened in our almost 16 years (yes, we will be celebrating this coming weekend -- if we are celebrating at all) of marriage. I have asked many times for this attention. I just feel there is not enough.

Do you also feel that you give too much love, yet not get the same amount back? I do. Almost always. I have asked in several different ways, to no avail. At least to my standards. Am I asking too much?

I feel so lonely. Today. Since Saturday. Since last week. Since 2 weeks, 3 weeks ago. I don't know what to do.

Raising an adolescent

This is now becoming real. A few months back, I would've told you that my eldest is still a baby. It's hard to let go especially for a mom who's had that firstborn when she just got out of being a child herself. It's like a treasured gift. Something you don't let go even when you grow up. But all good things have an end, as the song says.

December 2007

He has officially reached that gap between adulthood and childhood. That awkward phase that I almost didn't want to remember except for the fun times I had on those years. Going down memory lane now, I have had more than a fare share of silliness during these awesome-awful years. Now my first child is going through the same. I believe he's just had his first heart break. I don't mean to pry (his dad actually did), but came Valentines and end-of-school-year, he asked for presents for a certain someone. His dad told me, let be, he's a growing boy. And this may be better than having thoughts that he may be effeminate. I agreed.

Then it happened, his heart broke. For a simple comment to a picture of his gifts, his heart broke. But what came next, broke mine. This is the first time I've seen him so angry in words, and so full of hatred for someone else. What I read from posts that were screen shot (thanks to my chismoso hubby harhar), I did not expect. It saddened me. It made me feel a whole lot of guilt. Questions like, How come I did not see this coming?, Is this the same child I brought into the world and spent 12 years raising?, Was I bad that we mentioned what was in that comment?, Was I bad that I gave in to his requests on those gifts?, has been going in and out of my mind since I read those posts last night.

I am a lost mom today.

Praying for strength and for wisdom, to raise better children.

2 jobs and an expired license

Yup, it's a tough world. So having 2 jobs, for now, is but the most sensible thing I can do. While the hubby waits for a more stable gig, I do these. Oh please don't get me wrong. The hubby plays an important role in all of these. If you've read previous posts, I may have mentioned that we are yaya-less, so in other words, all the tedious and stressful work in our household, including taking care of the kids, are all done by my beloved hubby.

I won't lie and tell you that it has been a bed of roses for us. We've had our ups and our downs. Usually brought about by the stresses of our "jobs". But I would rather prefer this lifestyle, where we have our own money to spend, at whatever things we want, especially if we want to go places together. I can smell freedom here.. in a way.

I am still learning the trick of the trade, having 2 full time jobs and a few hours for sleep. And while I'm at it, I have noticed a big change in me, both professionally and mentally. I have learned these things :

1. Be patient - I have been working at home for many years now, and most of the time, when I feel that I am too stressed and that its not even worth my while, I do the easiest way out. I quit. Now I feel that I've come to a point that quitting is not part of my top 3 solutions for when things get bad or worse.

2. Be resourceful - When you have a limited source of funds or stuff you need for work, you must be resourceful. And its not always easy. Sometimes you have to ask.. yes, ask! Asking has been one of my peeves. I really don't like to ask, especially if I feel that it would cause discomfort (somehow) to the one I'm asking. These days I realize, its not a bad thing to ask. If they say no, then okay. Just don't expect. Not everything you want, can and would happen.

3. Be forgiving - Yes, you need to forgive. Whatever wrong that has been done to you, big or small, you have to always forgive. Just like how Jesus did and commanded. As I've said previously, things don't always go your way. And sometimes, other people cause this. They may or may not know that they did/do. Still, forgive.

4. Better things are coming - Yes, I believe this. It's not always raining. It won't. There will always be sunshine at the end of each storm. I know I have weathered a lot, but better and bigger things are coming my way! And for this, I am forever grateful to God.

In light of all these, its really about being thankful. Always.

Now is...

Today is one of those days AGAIN that I'm feeling so frustrated about how things are going for both our businesses and our family. It's not going the way I've been expecting it to be. And there are things that I've delegated to people, expecting them to finish it at a particular time, only to find out that it hasn't been even started. I know I need some quiet time. But when you're at the stage that you're building a business and building a career for your future, time is just not enough and you have no luxury to even rest. I am overwhelmed by work and house chores. It has been a few days, and yet I feel so burned out. Its probably my lack of sleep or the changes in my timezone. Is it possible to have a jetlag when you haven't even gone out of the country? I wonder.

I need rest.

I know I need some time out. As I write this, I'm imagining myself at a park, with lots of trees and plants and fresh air, doing nothing. Probably some meditating, reading the Scripture, having my one-on-one talk with God. How I would love to do just that.

I have a few projects up my sleeve now, one major is for my Manila Assistants business. I'm also waiting for another full time work by a property management client. If everything pulls through, I will be so busy, I may not even have time to blog. I'm procrastinating right now.

The hubby is feeling what I'm feeling too. So sad.

This too shall pass.

I declare it, in Jesus' name.

Waiting time

Today's one of those days when I feel so down for so many different reasons. Or it's probably just the hormones acting up. I don't exactly know.

The hubby is today's victim, sadly. As with any other time that I've acted the same way, it's almost always the husband who takes the punch. I'm assuming its because my recent issues have somehow been connected with what happened with us last year. All's been well for many months now, and I've seen how the hubby tries his best to win me over...and over...and over. It's the little reminders that gets to me though. Bits and pieces of anything that would let me remember how it was during that time. What I felt, and how he must've felt. It still makes me cry thinking about it.

It was a roller coaster of emotions, what happened to me. And I can feel remnants of it until now.

Recently, I've been trying to revive an old job, my being a VA. Taking it all in, training myself through videos, ebooks, just about anything. I want to keep myself busy. If that's what it takes to make me forget.

This is my "idle season". And until things get busy again, I would want to wait patiently. I want to spend my days with worship and scripture.

1 Samuel 13:8-14

He waited seven days, the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and Saul's men began to scatter.  So he said, "Bring me the burnt offering and the fellowship offerings. " And Saul offered up the burnt offering.  Just as he finished making the offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him.  "What have you done?" asked Samuel. Saul replied, "When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash,  I thought, 'Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD's favor.' So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering."  "You acted foolishly," Samuel said. "You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time.  But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command."

I pray Lord that I will have more patience. Patience to wait for Your promises. Help me to always remember that Your Word is always constant and will never change. Thank You for Your blessings. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen. 



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Overwhelmed and anxious

Overwhelmed 

 - bury or drown beneath a huge mass

Anxious

 - experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

These are 2 words which I definitely have been feeling the past months. Mostly, because of how the hubby and I can provide for our family. Yes, we are blessed and we have enough. We eat 3-5 (or maybe even 6!) times a day. We have enough to come to church every Sunday, and sometimes even have enough to have lunch out. So what exactly am I bugged about? Well, here's my list:

Our mountain pile of bills, all named after ME! 

Our 3 kids' future (school, needs, etc.)

Our travel plans (and date plans for hubby and I

No, I don't ask for much. And sometimes I even say, I don't want much. Why? Because I feel that I am not responsible enough for bigger things. I want to be, don't think otherwise, but I want to prepare myself before I am given much. (In the past, I feel that when I am given small or big things, I can honestly say, I have not been faithful to see it all through for what they are given for. So when that day comes that I am able to handle money and resources well, then I will definitely ask for more from Him, who is my ultimate source. 

The hubby and I recently started a small business (JuiceLuvPH), and when at first it seemed all promising, the past weeks have not been kind to us. So we're back to square one. I don't want to feel too depressed since as I have said, we are not THAT unfortunate. When I really think about it, I am still TOO BLESSED to be stressed (Yes, yes, I intended to write that). 

So what now? An opportunity knocks at our door. Another VA stint (in case you didn't know, I was a VA.. for about 8 years) that would need my nights. It's not much, won't pay much, but it may as well ease my anxiety and that feeling of being overwhelmed. It would definitely pay some of the bills and we may save up for a bit of the kids' future. Most of all, I can now be faithful to my tithing again. 

I'm also still looking for other opportunities, small ones, so I can pass it on to my freelance "partner". I've recently activated my sleeping Fiverr account for those small stints. 

I have so many ideas, that I want to pursue and accomplish. That's how this mind works. If I can only jot them down every time, I know I have that eureka moment or moments!

Amidst all the anxiety and overwhelmed-ness, here are some bible verses that may as well help me and YOU dear reader, whatever your situation is, or wherever you may be :

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Luke 12:24-34

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?  "Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!  And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.  For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.  But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.  "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.  Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

and this...

Luke 12:48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

I hope this post helped anyone, whether it may be spiritual, emotional or even just for entertainment. 

God bless you! Jesus loves you!

Remembering and praying

Currently reading Chicken Soup for the Couples' Soul, and yes I remembered what my husband and I have gone through for the past 13 years. We had painful memories, that only God can heal, but we had so much love for each other that it was evident in our whole relationship, that serving each other was one of our priorities. Whether it may be a big, bold act or a teeny tiny one that only true love can notice. 

I miss the hubby. He's out for an employment requirement. This morning, I told him to pray for things like these. For decisions, especially big ones, we he has to make. As this will definitely affect, good or bad, our life, both ours and and our family. I have asked God for guidance, but ultimately, its His will we ought to follow. 

Oh hi blog! Great to see yah!

I know, i know. I have been on a fairly long vacation and haven't written since i-dont-know-when. A lot has happened actually, so I didnt have the time to really sit and blog about it. So far, most of what happened the past few months have been really great and things to be thankful for.
I got to see the hubby last month, which was really exciting for me. Not all that i wished to happen, happened. But it was fruitful nonetheless. I WAS with my husband, what else could I wish for?
We bought a new car, which again, is another exciting (but laborious) thing. I got in and out of a cool job. Planning now to revive our food business, but still in the works. Though I'm feeling that I am being called for something else. Something exciting. I'll tell you in the blogs to come. (crossing fingers ^_^)

Gummy worm

I worry about my second child. He doesn't live with me right now because of certain circumstances that is currently out of my hand.

He was in the hospital last week, for a viral infection that made him vomit everything he took in. I was super worried. Considering that days and weeks before that, I was telling the hubby about his obvious fall on weight and his changing attitude. I have cried nights. But I'm putting my full trust in my husband on what he said. That it will all soon be okay.

I miss my gummy worm. :(

I miss you...

I talk of forgiveness

Last year was truly a humbling experience for me and my family. I have always believed that it was God's way of telling me that I am only human and that I need Him, my family, my friends and yes, even (I say this with truth in my heart) my enemies.

Healing is a process. Forgiveness is a process. I am on that process. I have forgiven but probably not forgotten. And I am praying that I too, will forget. As these memories have been the stake that crushes my heart and soul. Although I can truly say that I am 80% at peace. There are days when I hear about things that I don't like and definitely do not understand why they were even said, and I still get hurt. I pray that God would give me the strength to surpass all these trials. And that God would bless my enemies' soul so they may find peace in their hearts and be content with what they have and be happy for others too.

I've just read from Bo Sanchez's Soulfood, that I am allowed to be hurt and be angry. Because I am only human. To restore my dignity. And become a part of my healing.

Don’t Rush To Forgive If The Wound Is Grave

When the hurt is very deep, don’t forgive right away.

I am progressing but I cannot say that I have been healed totally. I still hurt. But I am better now. I feel better, I see better, I decide and choose better. I thank God for giving me this grace. And for giving me my support group (most especially my husband).

I know I will soon be healed. I will be stronger and better.

Thank you Hubby!

This post is dedicated to my wonderful husband, who's celebrating his 32nd birthday this Friday, July 8, and whom we dearly miss. He's abroad working, to bring food to our table.

I have always thought of going back to work. I still actually have that feeling of my need for work. But I am THANKFUL that my husband is as responsible as he is and is doing his best to provide for us. I seriously don't have to work. We have enough. Not much, just enough. And I am blessed to be able to spend my days and nights with my babies. And no matter how much I go crazy at times because I miss the hubby so much, I am still at that state where I'm content and happy.

I love you By! I'll forever be grateful for what you have given us.. me..

Happy 32nd birthday!

"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

What I have now...

Got a mail regarding a comment in one of my old blogs. So I started to read. I was a really unhappy, depressed, whiny woman! That was 5 years ago. I think I still am, though, but in a mature kinda way (that, I'd like to think!).

I was really sad. I can't help but pity the person I was. I was constantly looking for things from different areas in my life. I only had 1 child then. Maybe the kids brought more "life" to me, more optimism. Come to think of it, I think I have more patience, more time, more humility, more "ground".. I'm more like what I need to be.

I guess it was the pressure. It was the environment, the people around me. Actually, things started to get really bad after that. Then it was okay again. Then bad again. Okay, bad, okay, bad. It's okay now though. And I seriously hope it stays this way. Although there are missing "parts" of me now (hubby being away and all), I still consider this time as one of the "better" days.

See yah.