Road to Happiness Part One

Dear you,

The past months hasn't been easy. It still isn't. But I cling on to the promise of a better future. I have high hopes now. And though I am unwell, I fight fiercely, all for my love for you. Truly sorry that if I sometimes feel I need to know answers. You have kept me hanging. The one thing I so dearly held onto, you took it away. I want to get it back; the confidence of your love for me. Most people think, even you, that this is self pity. Maybe so. But it's not all. This goes far deeper than I wanted it, and imagined it to be. I get nightmares that I wouldn't want to sleep at all. I cry during the day, that I push myself to the limit, so as not to think too much. I am lost. Lost in an abyss of emotions.

How I wish we could talk. How I wish we could sort things out. How I wish it won't be too late. How I wish we won't have regrets. Please don't push me away.

My old self would've just agreed with you when you wanted out. But I'm not the old me anymore. I would've prayed just for myself, but now I'm praying for what's best for both of us.

Take me out of this rut. I beg you.

I need you. With me. Please don't push me away.
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Now thinking a bit clearer, I realize I can't control you. I can't control how you feel, how you act, what you say and what you do. I can only hope. I can only pray. I wish I knew things. I wish I had answers. But I have to let go. I have to. For my sanity. For you.

I miss my old self. I miss the smiles. I miss how I used to be that girl who had hopes, dreams and sure of herself and her bright future. I don't see her in the mirror anymore. I keep looking but I can't see her. I don't recognize that wrinkled woman I see in my reflection.

I need to heal.

I need you, but I need to heal.


I love you,
Me