Road to Happiness Part One

Dear you,

The past months hasn't been easy. It still isn't. But I cling on to the promise of a better future. I have high hopes now. And though I am unwell, I fight fiercely, all for my love for you. Truly sorry that if I sometimes feel I need to know answers. You have kept me hanging. The one thing I so dearly held onto, you took it away. I want to get it back; the confidence of your love for me. Most people think, even you, that this is self pity. Maybe so. But it's not all. This goes far deeper than I wanted it, and imagined it to be. I get nightmares that I wouldn't want to sleep at all. I cry during the day, that I push myself to the limit, so as not to think too much. I am lost. Lost in an abyss of emotions.

How I wish we could talk. How I wish we could sort things out. How I wish it won't be too late. How I wish we won't have regrets. Please don't push me away.

My old self would've just agreed with you when you wanted out. But I'm not the old me anymore. I would've prayed just for myself, but now I'm praying for what's best for both of us.

Take me out of this rut. I beg you.

I need you. With me. Please don't push me away.
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Now thinking a bit clearer, I realize I can't control you. I can't control how you feel, how you act, what you say and what you do. I can only hope. I can only pray. I wish I knew things. I wish I had answers. But I have to let go. I have to. For my sanity. For you.

I miss my old self. I miss the smiles. I miss how I used to be that girl who had hopes, dreams and sure of herself and her bright future. I don't see her in the mirror anymore. I keep looking but I can't see her. I don't recognize that wrinkled woman I see in my reflection.

I need to heal.

I need you, but I need to heal.


I love you,
Me

Day with Mommy

Yesterday was fun. My mom, lola and tita came over to visit. (Yay!) And after WEEKS of hardcore stress, I have finally had my "day-off" yesterday (I am doing the laundry while I write this, literally!) when my mom and I went to the mall, to just, you know, go around and shop and window-shop. It was a simple outing, yet a meaningful sharing of thoughts, ideas and experiences between me and my mom. Overall, the feeling was refreshing and to a point, invigorating. Thank you Mom for the time you spent with me yesterday. Needed that.

Food + Shopping + Mom = PERFECT DAY-OFF

Job. Quit. Job.

Last week was pretty challenging for me. I almost quit. My job, that is.

It has been an ongoing battle for me. I have a very moody boss, who, if I choose to understand, is the way he is because of his responsibilities. It should not be the case, but that's the way it is. It was a fight or flight.

There was one instance where he was giving me feedback and using such harsh words. No, he didn't use curse words but he might as well have. I was working very hard. Even after hours (which I realize now that I shouldn't be doing - another post on work ethics and personal space). But after I heard his feedback, it was like all my work went down the drain. I was frustrated, disappointed and disheartened. Then finally I decided. I messaged my boss and told him that I'd quit. Thanking him for the opportunity yada yada yada. All these, while crying.

First he said okay, then probably changed his mind and said that he still encourages me to stay. In a way, he apologized. And gave me time to think.

I thought about it and weighed my options. I had other available work waiting for me, but you see, its very hard for me to "move on" when I've finally made my way through a job. So after all the debate with myself, I chose to stay. I'm still hoping that this is the better choice.

Praying, by the way, is a constant during these times. This is my ultimate shield. Against everything else, including myself. Thank You God!