Anxious about anxiety

 As much as I don't want to admit it (and too embarrassed too), I think I am silently (or not) battling anxiety. 

I prefer to either work too much or sleep. I hoard stuff, most I don't need. I think too much. I sleep early (which I think is a side effect of my recent high blood sugar levels), but wake up every now and then. I need melatonin tabs to help me get by a full night's rest. 

I want to go out, but most of the time I feel like I can't go alone. I get easily offended by little things, but when I decide to not care, I offend others. 

I'm a lonely girl but I feel I don't deserve to feel this. I am blessed, in so many things that I think I shouldn't even feel this. I question myself many times. And when it gets validated (that I'm not worthy), I feel sadder. 

Have I lost faith? Am I losing it? What is this?

Life hits

It has been more than a year since I last blogged. And if you have been following my posts, you would know that this means I have too much time on my hands and on one of my melancholic highs. Yes, I think I am depressed.

Early last year, hubby and I started a mushroom business. Fast forward to this year, we are one of the most looked-up-to growers here in the Philippines. A mix of marketing strategy, research, experience and just plain common sense :)

I have been feeling low for the past months, after so many bashings from internet detractors. And in the past few weeks, yet another issue has surfaced. I know I asked for time to stay at home and just do our household chores. Now that I was given that, my husband now has too many things on his plate and has not been spending time with me either. This has posed as a problem. If you must know, I require attention. Attention for me is a love language. If I am not given enough time, I bite. This is also not the first time this has happened in our almost 16 years (yes, we will be celebrating this coming weekend -- if we are celebrating at all) of marriage. I have asked many times for this attention. I just feel there is not enough.

Do you also feel that you give too much love, yet not get the same amount back? I do. Almost always. I have asked in several different ways, to no avail. At least to my standards. Am I asking too much?

I feel so lonely. Today. Since Saturday. Since last week. Since 2 weeks, 3 weeks ago. I don't know what to do.

My experience with mumps

So, what is up?

Here I am, stuck at home, together with the 2nd kid. While the rest of the fam went to church this morning and is now at a relatives' place having dinner. I have been in bed for a week now, mainly because of adult mumps and the complications I've had since I got this.

Some of you might say, "Mumps? On an adult? Whut?!" Yep, I have them. I know I didn't get them yet when I was a kid so for sure, when the youngest had them, I was next in line. She was always with me and sleeps in between I and the hubby. We cuddle, we kiss. You know the drill.

So let me tell you what has happened in the past week, aside from NOTHING.

• I have had the fever for many days now. It only goes down when I take antipyretics (Medicol and Advil) or give myself cold packs on the head and face. Since yesterday, it has gone down one notch. In fact, I was able to drive up until Greenhills earlier to get my replacement charger for this Macbook. (Ugh, I'm a few thousands poorer -- remind me!) 
• I have been feeling that my heart skips a beat or two every so often. This one I really dread, and have woken up several nights, praying to God to forgive me, claiming He'll bring me to heaven and not anywhere else if it's already time. At the back of my mind, it was all okay, except that I kinda worried for my family and my parents. They'd be really, really sad, I know. This gave me a hard time breathing, which leads me to another happening...
• I think I have asthma again. I haven't been taking my MaxGXLs for quite some time now, and especially not since I've had the mumps. So I know this was bound to happen too. Plus my immune system has been compromised.
• My pee smells funny. For the past week, this has been so. I either cough it up to the mumps, or the meds I'm taking is taking toll on my kidneys, or that my blood sugar levels may be high. 
• I get chills every time. Although I can take a bath, I still need my blanket and socks at times, even when its in the middle of the day. Without A/C.
• My back aches like there's no tomorrow. Well, in general, my whole body does. My back just became the highlight. 
• I wasn't able to eat well during the first 5 days. Now I eat better BUT I get dizzy after every meal. Weird, I know. 
• I started a journal just right before I got the mumps and haven't really written anything substantial for a few days. So much for my Bullet Journal-ing. 
• I have orders for the business that I couldn't deliver. Well, because.
• I have projects for my part time stint, and yes, I still wasn't able to deliver. 
• I had too many ideas, but then my laptop charger broke down on me, so I had to drive some 33 kilometers (to and fro) to get a replacement, which by the way, costs a fortune.

Yes, a lot has happened. I've also documented my face during this experience. Please excuse the not-prepared-for-a-photo faces. 

High fever redness

This is my ordeal. Still not completely healed as of today, but I know that in the days to come, I will be. I also wouldn't want to worry about the other things I've been feeling lately too. Nothing will harm me. My God is with me. 

Also, we received many blessings this week too. Paid bills and really high grades and honors for my children. GOD IS GOOD.

Ciao for now :) 

Paulit ulit

Sometimes, frustration get the best of me. Ang dami kong beses na nainis ngayong linggo na to. And last week. Ang daming frustrations. Ang daming nagpapalabas ng anxiety attacks ko. At kahit ilampung beses akong magpilit maging chill lang at masaya, kapag naiisip ko ang sitwasyon, nawawala lahat.

Nasabi ko na bang ayokong hindi napapansin? Or at least, ma-acknowledge man lang ang trabaho ko. Whether sa professional na trabaho man yan, sa tulong ko, o kahit sa mga gawaing bahay lang.

I was raised to be a considerate person. And yes, thoughtful din ako minsan. Pero parang feeling ko na-corrupt na ang pagiging thoughtful ko. Nawala na. Dahil sa mga nangyayari sa paligid at mga tao sa paligid.

Ang hirap ng ganito. Lagi ako mag-isa. Ako lang ang gising sa gabi, at madalas kahit sa umaga. Madami ako nararamdaman, pero parang wala akong karapatan magreklamo. Bakit? Dahil yung mga nakapaligid sakin, mas madami na ang reklamo. Di na ko makasingit. Di na ko makadaing.

At kanina, inilabas ko lang ang mga nasa isip ko, naging masama pa pala. Kasi MAS ang iniisip nung pinagsabihan ko. MAS madaming nararamdaman. MAS madaming inaalala. So wala akong karapatan magsabi. Ang hirap ng hindi napapakinggan.

Ayoko mag-rant dito, dahil gusto ko sana, positive lang. Pero ang hirap din hindi magsabi ng nasa loob. Baka masiraan na ko. Yung anxiety attack ko nga, di ko alam kung pano tuluyang mawala eh. Ba't nga kaya ang tao, di nawawalan ng problema. Sabi nila, pag wala ka ng problema, ibig sabihin patay ka na. Di ba pwedeng maging masaya ka lang? Yung walang iniisip at walang inaalala? Kahit sandali lang.

Magulo isip ko ngayon. May mga dapat akong gawin right after ng trabaho ko ngayong umaga. Gusto ko pumunta kasi in reality, kailangan. Pero ayaw ko, dahil gusto ko lang maintindihan ng iba na importante din naman ako at maappreciate naman ang ginagawa ko. Mahirap ba yun?

Enough of this. At least dito man lang, nailabas ko. Hindi ko man i-publish, naisulat ko pa din.

Today's weather

It’s raining hard today. 

Outside and inside. 

This day didn’t start out right. I was hoping to go to church and then a situation came. J is having a really bad tummy ache and LBM. Deep inside I was blaming him for the sundae and part spaghetti he ate last night, and for all those days that I told him to take meds and he wouldn’t. We were part of something big in church, that the pastor was relying on us. I feel we have disappointed him and the viewers of the page’s Facebook Live. 

This was the start. 

Then I started feeling lazy. And started feeling anxious about the needs of my children. The eldest’s COCC unif that he needs on Tuesday, which apparently I don’t have the budget on. The second kid’s ‘Do This’ on his school books, which I only found today after asking for a quick cleanup of his bag. The youngest’s missing eraser and color pens. I started to break down a bit. Then the husband made his way into my conversations with the kids and asked me to not give him the high pitched tone. A few minutes before this, I asked him not to budge in on the convos and scolding I was having with the kids. He did anyway. I was really pissed that he had asked me to tone down in front of the kids whom I was scolding. I felt betrayed. I felt that he didn’t respect my disciplining. 

I told everyone that I won’t do or say anything anymore and went up to the room. It was all JUST them. 

I still feel bad. We are having some bad times, with the hubby ending a contract with his only client, and this same client refuses to send his last pay check. My budget was on the negative. As for me, I was still struggling with falling asleep during workdays, that I count these as my breaks. I have too much during the day that I can’t have a full 6-8hours of sleep. I only get an average of 2-3 hours plus in increments of 15minutes. Good days meant I was able to sleep those 2-3 hours through without any disruption (yelling kids, construction sounds, etc)

This is one of those low days. I may also just be PMS-ing. 

Weird schedule - work and life!

What has been happening in my life lately?

Well, the fact that school has officially started for my kids this week, this is one busy mommy. We, the husband and I, have been juggling our daily routine between our house, which now serves as our 'office' and here at my mom-in-law's house. About less than a month ago, the hubby asked me if it was okay for us to transfer since his mom has been feeling ill lately. I knew it was coming - the question. So I was kinda half expectant and I knew what my answer was. It was a YES, of course. I have vowed to myself lately (since an untoward incident -which I'll post about when I'm ready) that I'll be as supportive as I can with my husband's affairs and whatnots.

My only issues were -- our dogs, our plants, the house and its maintenance, and the mails we get. Quite a few, I should say.

So now, after almost a month, the sleep is quite a struggle. Here's how the schedule goes :

Dinner time - we need to finish up dinner by 7:30ish so we can go home at 8PM, just in time for my 9PM shift (we still clean a little, feed the dogs and do other stuff that needs done inside our abandoned house).
Work - 9PM to 6AM but sometimes extends to as late at 8AM. Then we go to my MIL's house.
As soon as we arrive at MIL's, we check on the kids' needs before they get fetched by their school service. Then we do housechores, take breakfast, run errands (if there's any). I personally usually have about 2-3hours of decent sleep.

I feel that this is taking a toll on my health. It's only by God's grace that I'm able to survive without headaches/migraine for the past few weeks.

As for weekends, which should've been our rest days - these are spent cleaning and maintaining 2 households (no yaya!) and running weekend errands. Sometimes, the weekend schedule schedule even includes out-of-town trips to my grandparents' place, going to my mom's or aunt's, helping out in my MIL's businesses.

I honestly don't know for how long our bodies are able to take this but I'm hoping that some form of rest can be given for the hubby and I. I miss our dates too. I miss the spa-nights. I miss going to movies. I miss bumming out.

Beauty Review : Marshmallows Nail and Body Spa

It has been quite some time since the hubby and I saw their salon near our place. We wanted to try out their body massage but was contemplating on whether they're good or just good enough. We have been going to Baan Khun Thai since last year and liked how they can accommodate us even when its late night. Marshmallows, however, is very near our place and we can go via a short commute.

Last Thursday, I inquired about their services and rates, seeing that they seem to be an all-stop shop spa-wise. The owner answered but gave a wrong message, so I had to wait. The next day, I messaged again for follow-up. I received photos of their rates and packages. Ended up reserving for the night for a couple of their services : 

Gel removal at 200php (each, hand and foot) - got a discount, paid for hand only

Gel Mani-Pedi with Footspa at 750php (not bad at all)

Eyelash Extension (Human hair) at 650php -- quite pricey considering the factors (see below)

Swedish Massage 1.5hours for 350php (each, for hubby and I) - which we cancelled at the last minute 

So, I went there at 6:30PM as per our scheduled appointment. By the way, Moneth, the owner, was accommodating. Although I wish they had a published mobile number on their Facebook page. All I had was FB Messenger and a landline. As soon as I went in, I was welcomed by a girl named Jhen (according to her name plate). She assigned me a nail tech, who will do my mani-pedi, but she did my gel removal (a really bad gel mani-pedi from Let's Face It Fairview Terraces).

During that time, the girls talked among themselves and with another client, who was really loud by the way. They respected my need for peace during my spa times. Little chit-chat here and there, but that was all. 

My mani-pedi went well. Mae, my technician, did well getting all the dry skin out without much pain and blood, unlike some others. And the gel application was great! 

Now, on to the eyelash extensions. After my mani-pedi, the same technician, prepared a room where the extensions service will be done. I asked if I can see the lashes first (to see if they're human hair -- the synthetic ones tend to be really itchy and painful when they start to fall off). They seem okay and asked if she can put the 10mm ones in the middle and 8mm on the sides, to make them seem natural. 

As soon as we started, the sting of the adhesive was really strong. I was tearing up the WHOLE time. And it wasn't that long! On my previous lash salons, I could almost doze off. This time, I can't, because of 2 things : 1. Stingy adhesive that made me cry, and 2. It was really quick. 

When Mae asked me to check the lashes in the mirror, I wanted to say it was too thin still (but length was okay) BUT my crying eyes was screaming STOP! So I had to flee. They gave me a free coffee (or tea, if you're a tea person) after. 

This was taken the night it was done.

Taken today. Needs a retouch huh?

So my overall rating? 7 out of 10